well, there have been several things on my mind. but that's how it always is. nonstop. and there are some things that have been on my mind since freshman year that i can just never escape. and i know i won't be able to escape those thoughts until the time comes. one reason why i just want to ditch high school and go to college is because when i go to college, i'll have a life. away from parents. away from stupid memories that happened here. it's basically a new beginning. that's what i kinda hoped for when i went to clovis high, but i still knew people, just not well enough. when i go to college, i will know no one, with the exception of maybe a few people because of the camps i went to back east, i will not know the area i'm in, i will not know what path i'm destined to go down. basically, i will have a new beginning.

i'm just super fed up with high school already. but i don't want to graduate early because i might regret it later. plus i won't be graduating with a lot of my friends, which is important to me. i don't want to ditch the life i had in fresno. it's almost where my whole childhood took place. i say almost because i think no one grows into an adult until they've had at least a couple years of experience living on their own. it's not like your brain decides, "Oh, i turn 18 today, let's suddenly get super mature." u need time to grow into it. you're still a child going into college, which might be one reason why the thought of going away to college seems so scary at first. no more mommy and daddy. no more, "can i have $30 for gas money?" it doesn't just get handed to u like it does in high school.

i also don't want to say i don't have a life here in high school. it's just a judgmental life. when i came to clovis high, people thought i was going to be an arrogant asshole because i got 1st chair in national honor band as a freshman. and i know they thought this because people told me this year that everyone thought that before i came. and now, i have friends. and i'm almost friends with everyone in the band. in fact, i'm popular. the point is, high school is all about judgment. really, u have to admit that u judged at least one friend before u became friends with them. unfortunately, almost everybody in high school is judgmental. if u don't wear baggy clothes or clothes that cut off your circulation, u might be considered a dork. if u don't listen to hard rock or mental, u might be considered a loser. if u don't blow off homework and get bad grades, u might be considered a geek. if u are friends with the teacher and get a good grade in that class, u might be considered the teacher's pet. and lastly, if u are in band or listen to classical music, u might be considered a freak. if i had to describe high school with one word, my word would be judgment.

i don't know why, but it seems like everything u do bad in high school is considered cool. everyone just expects u to smoke, to drink, to party, to wear the "right" style of clothes, to play guitar, to like the same music everybody else seems to like, to understand why they do and worry about all these stupid unimportant things that seem to be "the new thing that everyone's doing". it's all dumb. all of it. and i'm extremely tired of trying to prove to people not in band that i'm cool.

i'm also not pointing out that no one judges anyone in college. it's just that when you're in college, you're around people that want to do the same things u want to do. they have the same hopes and dreams. they treat u like you're a person because they know you're there for a reason. they know you're there to start a career and a life. they know you're there to make a difference in the world. unfortunately, u never find that in a public high school. never. and u never will. it'll happen when such a thing as world peace exists.

this is why i want to escape high school and welcome college into my life. it just seems like a better life. and i hope i'm right.

so i really don't know what happened.

but suddenly everyday has been such a good day. i don't even know why. like everything i say is the right thing to say. and everything i do is the right thing to do.

i know this is gonna sound weird but it seems like i'm starting to fit in even though i know i already do. it's really hard to describe what i mean. in fact, that's really the only way i can put it. it's just weird, but at the same time, amazing.

i haven't updated in over a month. it's fine though. because i am now.

so school is not nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be. i surprisingly don't get a lot of homework, even though i've had i think 3 near-to-all-nighters so far in these passed 5 weeks.... it's weird cuz i have not lost count of how many weeks school has been....

however, aside from me being happy i don't have too much homework, there's 100 times more drama this year than there was last year. and i can't explain any of it on here. it's all too classified. basically starting at band camp (7 weeks ago) to now has been continuous drama, just different things, and most of it's not really my drama, but i make myself a part of it cuz i'm trying to help out a friend. i hope that makes sense to more people than just me....

something stupid did happen to me though and it is all my fault cuz i screwed up a friendship.... it's not that i pissed them off or anything, it's just that my parents forced me to cut off all contact with them cuz of something they read.... i've had to deal with that for the past 2 weeks.... ok this is all i'm going to say cuz i can't say anything in public. and i know whoever is reading this is like, "what the hell are u talking about?" unless u already know.

well, as u know it, it's late, and i should be getting to bed. i will update again sooner than i did last time, i promise.